An Onion Article
CHAMPAIGN, IL—Despite his early dreams of topping the Billboard charts, local musician Luvell Anderson has decided to bow out of the music industry and reluctantly pursue a life of academic success, culminating in professorships at multiple prestigious universities.
“I really thought I could break through with my music,” sighed Anderson as he adjusted his glasses and reviewed the citations for his upcoming book on The Philosophy of Race and Racism. “But since America wasn’t ready for another Black artist with a perfect rhythm, I had no choice but to settle for a life of intellectual fulfillment and educating our future generations.”
Anderson, who started out learning music from his family and had some local hits at his bar and in his community, faced numerous obstacles in his journey as an artist. “I gave it everything I had,” he said. “I wrote songs about social justice, love, and the Black experience, but all the labels wanted was another trap and diss on my ex-girlfriend. So I figured, why not just
get a Ph.D. in Philosophy instead?”
After receiving rejection emails from several record labels, Anderson pivoted to
academia, where his research in philosophy has since earned him critical acclaim. “I didn’t want it to come to this,” he admitted, shaking his head as he arranged his lecture notes for a class on critical thinking. “But sometimes life forces you to take the disappointing route of becoming an internationally recognized scholar.”
Anderson’s mother, who was his biggest supporter when he was chasing his dreams of Grammy Awards and music records, now proudly displays his academic publications on her dusty living room shelf, next to his polished CD records. “Of course, I’m disappointed he didn’t become the next Kendrick Lamar or 50 Cent,” she said. “But now he’s a published author with
several fellowships under his belt, so I guess this was the next best thing.”
Despite the success of his lectures and novels, Anderson occasionally longs for his days as an artist. “I miss the studio, the raw creativity through music,” he confessed. “But I suppose it’s worth it when students tell me how my course changed their entire perspective on the American Dream. It’s not quite a platinum record, but it’ll have to do.”
Luvell is…
- 49 years old
- Male
- African American
- Straight
- Middle Class
- Christian Socialist; light on the Christian