By Natalie Granja
He sat, glancing around the familiar walls of the subway car, observing strangers caught up in the bustle of their own lives as the train carried them toward Queens. He had been a regular in these seats for 20 years, now only a momentary visitor. He peers to his left and, near the back of the subway car, sees a father with his young son on his lap, playing a game of peek-a-boo, laughter filling the space between them.
The city reminded him of the life he lived; the man and his son reminded him of the one he didn’t.
It wasn’t regret that filled his mind but a quiet question: What if?
What if he hadn’t grown up in a time when boys like him couldn’t have families or be fathers? What if he didn’t grow up in the place that had told him he couldn’t get married? What if these choices were available to him then, would he have made them?
For a moment, he imagines this life. A home that would have been filled with Legos, coloring books, half-eaten snacks and all the wonderful chaos that kids bring to a parents’ life. Kids who would no longer be kids now, but likely creating families of their own.
The buzzing of his phone pulls him away from these thoughts. He grabs it out of his pocket and sees his husbands name and a photo of them together on a sunny beach vacation from the previous summer.
At that moment, he recognized that the life he built, though different from the one he never had, was still whole, was still beautiful and was his. These questions may always linger, but the absence of what might have been can never diminish what he has now. A partner who loves him, friends with who he’s shared laughter and similar struggles—people who see him for who he is.
He smiles to himself and answers the call as the train carries him forward.
J is…
- 57 years old
- Male
- White
- Latino
- Gay
- Upper Middle Class
- Atheist at heart