“I don’t know if I want to be American anymore,” N breathed. She masked these words behind a lighthearted chuckle, but a flash of pain in her eyes revealed the gravity behind her statement.
“I think my American Dream has been dying.”
N, now 43 years-old, struggled with ideas surrounding the American dream and American identity for as long as she can remember. She grew up in a predominantly white, wealthy neighborhood in the Northeast. Throughout her childhood, she recalls feeling like she never fit in. She maintained identities that were different than the majority of her classmates: she was Muslim, she was brown, and she was From Central America, West Europe, and South American descent. Her parents were first- and second-generation immigrants. As a child, though, all she knew was that she and her family were “different.”
Early on, she noticed the ways in which the world around her attempted to null her differences. As any child would, she responded in different ways. Sometimes she’d reject her differences in attempt to fit in—drifting away from her faith or utilizing her light-skin privilege. Other times, she’d embrace them. She recalls a period in her teenage years in which she took strongly to her faith: she began studying Arabic, praying extensively and fully covering. Through both the rejection and embrace of her different identities, though, N felt as though she was missing something.
“I think this happens a lot with first generation kids,” N explained. She felt pressure to embrace her cultural roots while also trying to assimilate into American culture—which seemed as if it could only be done by stripping away her other cultural identities. It was very clear, she explained, that those identities were not valued in America.
“It feels like where you came from is kind of being erased.”
It wasn’t until college and post-graduate international travels that N felt she was able to piece together the parts of her identity that her American upbringing worked so hard to suppress. For the first time in her life, she felt grounded in her various identities. She felt connected. She felt whole.
Upon returning from her travels, N noticed a disconnect from the American dream and American identity she’d tried so hard to construct. She’d spent the majority of her life trying to understand herself within the context of a country that claims to champion diversity, yet actively seeks to reject and suppress it.
After 43 years of life, she’s finally realizing that her identities were never the problem—America’s deliberate and aggressive rejection of them was. So now, when given the choice between her own identity and the American identity, N’s starting to choose herself.
N is…
- 43 Years-Old
- Female, Cisgender
- White
- From Central America, West European Descent, and South American
- Upper Middle Class
- Bisexual
