DISCLAIMER: These articles are satire and the events and scenarios that take place in them are fictitious. However all quotes attributed to O are quotes taken directly from our conversation. Thank you, enjoy!
NY WOMAN ACCUSED OF NOT BEING AMERICAN ENOUGH AFTER DECLARING THAT SHE JUST WANTS TO BE HAPPY
New York, N.Y.- O, a senior at a university in New York was reportedly met with backlash after explaining to a professor that her goal was just to be able to take care of herself and be happy.
O says that in addition to her professor, classmates also attacked her statement for being “un-American” as they could not understand why anyone would want to do anything other than work a low-level corporate job, drown in a sea of debt, and get divorced after a 2-year marriage.
“I don’t get it, obviously if she’s not trying to improve the economic well-being of the top 5%, she can’t be American,” N, a freshman in O’s class, said.
O, the child of East Asian immigrants, was born and raised in New York. She has long felt that although her parents came to the country seeking out the “American Dream,” it has now become something reserved for her white and wealthy classmates whose parents have no problem “talking to the manager” after their French fries come with too much seasoning.
“As long as I’m content in life… and as long as I have enough money to support myself and be secure, I’m fine,” O said unpatriotically.
AMERICAN BORN WOMAN ABANDONS “AMERICAN DREAM” AFTER FINDING OUT THAT SHE DOESN’T QUALIFY, TURNS OUT SHE’S TOO EAST ASIAN
After years of living, growing up, and going to school in the United States, O was unfortunately met with the realization that she did not qualify for the American Dream. The reason? She’s too East Asian.
Like others, O feels a specific detachment from her native country as it can often feel as if she’s not accepted in the place where she grew up. O was reportedly told to speak English by a man on the subway while discussing her analytical chemistry homework with a friend.
“Now there’s so many more people who have been established, there’s already connections… they have these little networks and it’s so much more difficult now for people who are coming in as immigrants to develop and compete,” O said.
Many claim that America’s educational, cultural, and financial systems are set up to benefit those whose families have lived in the country for generations.
It can be hard to navigate the complicated nature of America’s bureaucracy. For example the DMV requires people’s original birth certificate, a picture from every year of their life, a strand of baby hair, and the original pregnancy test that their parents used… just to get a seat in line.
O is…
- 20 Years-Old
- Female, Cisgender
- East Asian
- Atheist
- Middle Class
- Pansexual
